The English language has evolved many times over history, usually after an invasion. Though Britain has remained uninvaded for some time, I have seen a potential new way of speaking creeping into modern usage, at least in adverts. Have you noticed how nouns are being used as verbs?
For example, the following phrases have been used recently:
“I can football”
“I can daughter”
“I don’t gym, I Hussle”
“There’s never been one right way to money”
This modern fad replaces previously nuanced, specific and polite sentences with slack-jawed, monosyllabic utterances, and can be enhanced by punctuating with a final “inni”.
In celebration of this exciting trend, I’ve offered a selection of ways in which we can incorporate it into our conversations…
Instead of “Oh, congratulations on your pregnancy! When are you due?“, we’ll say “Do you baby?”
Instead of “You do have a lovely new home. Is the mortgage manageable?“, we’ll say “Do you house?”
Instead of “I’ve been learning to drive, as it’s impossible to get around following the cuts to the bus service.“, we’ll say “I car.”
Instead of “Dad, will you play football with me in the garden?“, we’ll say “Oi, dad! Sport me, inni!”
Instead of “I want to teach you some basics of English syntax before we go and play outside.“, we’ll say “amma english you, you lil shit!“
Enjoy.